Photo credit: WisconsinKow

Turn around and face the wall. No, you paranoid freaks, we’re not going to shoot you. You’re just getting a time-out.

Your incessant irrationality has mucked up the works to such an extent where we feel we have no recourse but to shut you down. Don’t turn around! Save your breath–no, better yet, concentrate on your breathing. Listen: breath in till a count of three–1-2-3; hold for a count of three, 1-2-3; now exhale to a count of three, 1-2-3. Do that 10 more times.

Feel a little better? Shhhh, shhhh, shhhh. Be quietturn back to the wall!

Breathe, 1-2-3. Hold, 1-2-3. There you go, one more time.

Calmer now? Feel ready to listen for a moment?

You need to stop it with the stupid shit. I’m sorry to be so crude but your willful ignorance and eagerness to embrace falsehoods suggests such bluntness is called for.

Stop the stupid shit. Stop the stupid shit. Stop the stupid shit. Stop the stupid shit. Stop the stupid shit. Stop the stupid shit. Stop the stupid shit. Stop the stupid shit. Stop the stupid shit. Stop the stupid shit. Stop the stupid shit. Stop the stupid shit. Stop the stupid shit. Stop the stupid shit. Stop the stupid shit. Stop the stupid shit. Stop the stupid shit.

The birther nuttiness, the socialism canard, the imaginary threat to the Second Amendment (want to know the biggest threat to the Second Amendment? Paranoid gun nuts). The insanity of allowing Israel to decide whether we should invade Iran and this whole notion that a non-belligerent foreign policy telegraphs weakness that begets foreign threats. Your absolutist no tax dogma. Your wall-to-wall disregard for science (climate change, evolution, how a baby is made). The false authenticity test: real Americans do X or believe Y. And your overall meanness and perpetual state of resentment.

Basically, your smallness makes you afraid and your fear makes you stupid.

Please, for the love of God*, stop the stupid shit.

Capiche?

Now, I just want you to be quiet and face the wall a few more minutes and think about the next thing you’re going to say.

 

Sincerely,

Derek Bridges

 

* You’re welcome.

 

 

 

Derek Bridges lives in New Orleans, trading in words and pictures. A carpetbagger of long standing, he grew up in the top right corner of IL and later went to college in the middle cornfield part. He has also lived in MS and FL, for educational purposes only, and was diasporized for a time in TX.

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