We like to think we’re responsible dog owners and solid citizens, so we duly clean up after our dog when he drops a load somewhere. Last month I ordered a bunch of waste bags and today received this email from Amazon seeking feedback:

Order ID 109-7165722-2710654:

1 of Green N Pack Dog-Waste Refill Bags, Compact Refill Packs, 200 Bags, 10 Rolls, More Bags & Less Waste [ASIN: B0056DE17O]

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Greeting from GreenStuffOnly Amazon,

We are contacting you to ensure that your expectations were met with regards to your recent purchase of Green’N’Pack Waste Solutions  – makes the task of cleaning easier. Whether you feel like sharing a story, giving us feedback or product reviews, we’d love to hear from you!! Your feedback is valuable as it helps us continue to improve our site and services.

My reply, if I were to send a reply:

Thank you for contacting me about the Green N Pack Dog-Waste Refill Bags, or shit bags, we recently purchased via Amazon. To be honest, I haven’t really given much thought about the quality of this product, though I will say I feel a bit suckered by the “eco friendly” descriptor used for the bags. As Amazon reviewer Leslie points out, these bags are recycled plastic but still plastic, thus not compostable. I was perhaps a bit hasty with this order. But these bags are green and I think that was an inspired choice. We all know what green means.

Now, in terms of sharing a story about this product, I cannot report a significant difference in the experience of using these shit bags as opposed to other shit bags we’ve used in the past. Or, really, any stand-out dog shitting stories, though I could tell you things. Things that would make you shudder. However, his peculiarities are likely of limited utility.

I think it’s safe to say that if these bags–or any and all shit bags–could talk, they would scream. From the time they’re cooked in an industrial plant and spooled and packaged, to the time the bag is torn from the rest and pulled inside-out and swoop, a plastic seal, enclosing dog feces for years in some landfill… It’s one long, agonizing scream.

No epiphanies. Conflicts have not been resolved. Character has not developed. These bags are like Groundhog Day (the movie), it’s pretty much the same shit every day. As a novel, I would have stopped reading after the first bag.

As shit bags, they’re fine.

 

Derek Bridges lives in New Orleans, trading in words and pictures. A carpetbagger of long standing, he grew up in the top right corner of IL and later went to college in the middle cornfield part. He has also lived in MS and FL, for educational purposes only, and was diasporized for a time in TX.

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